Quest in Time...

The last 2 months, I saw myself overflowing with thoughts...questions...conflicts....
And its with time I realized that with every passing day, the thoughts and questions are becoming lesser and lesser....
I am left to wonder now, do we get so thoughtful and questioning only when things are not going great for us? What makes us come to a point when we start seeking "bliss", as defined by Osho?
With all the time at my disposal, I spent some time on reading couple of books, hoping that it would give me an insight into peace and understanding of life.
Of course there were few things that I totally agree with what they have to say....but I also realized that nothing and no one can give you what you are looking for! It has to be YOU who can answer YOURSELF! It is a quest for self, and that quest will not yield results in a day ! It could actually take a lifetime to understand what life is, and what YOU want and what is the way YOU would like to choose to attain the self realization!
And also that, that journey is not going to be an easy one! We will have to fight circumstances, family, our loved ones if we want to go on our path! No one knows what the path is....it could be just about anything that you can connect to! It just could be in music, in service, in an everyday job or in our daily routine in family! But the path is not same for all! What it is for me does not necessarily have to be the same for you!

Having said that....I am now burdened with more questions!

Re-take on Happiness....

Having listened to what my sister had to say on Happiness and wanting to be happy...and agreeing to what she said...I knew there was something missing to it!
It is true that we need to find happiness in whatever we have rather than seek more and more...and that there is no end to seeking....but....

I was watching this movie called Before Sunset (which is a sequel to Before Sunrise) and the things that they had to say throughout the movie was very interesting, and I guess very close to what I feel.
So coming back to wants and desires...is it bad to want more and to desire more?

In Hinduism and in Buddhism, our saints say that liberation from the worldly desires is the first step to Moksha. But what if I dont want Moksha? If I was not the kinds looking for a soulful life? Wouldn't life be dull and boring with nothing to drive you becasue you want nothing? If we had no goals and ambitions in life, wouldn't we be stagnant? The technical revolution that we have witnessed at this age...would it be there if the scientists and researchers did not feel the need to explore more ?

Desires is the fuel of life.... (an excerpt from the movie)

So, What is happiness ?
I would have said it is the feeling of contentment that you get after you have achieved what you set out for yourself or after getting what you wanted! But in the movie I came across a better way to say it... it said Happiness is not in the result or achievement, but in the doing !
Which, come to think of it, is exactly what it is! It doesnt matter whether you win or lose, what matters is the fact that you tried! That is contentment...and that is Happiness !!

A Mirage....

I got an interesting insight while talking to my sister, during one of our our "philosophical" discussions!
I had asked her if it is wrong to be want to be happy and go after whatever makes you happy! And here is what she had to say.....

"I firmly believe..and that belief convinced me to the core, that the conclusion of can some one find true happiness is NO. Its as simple as that! No one can truly ever be happy. We need to choose to be happy..and out of all the quotes, this one, I undoubtedly think is by far the most truthful!
Its just the bitter bitter truth that we need to be happy within the imperfections...If you have been unhappy for too long... its not because your life isnt treating you right at the moment..its cause you let your self be unhappy...its cause you gave up somewhere...lifes gonna treat you that way all the time...
temporarily changes will brings u happiness but very soon you ll find flaws in them too...its just human nature!

When man has no real afflictions he invents some!..we are the most fucked up species! every good thing comes with a price... insanity is the price we pay for intelligence! I believe we should accept what we cant change..and change what we cant accept but beleive me some changes are just aint worth it!
again only because...u make the change seeking bliss...which doesnt last! DOESNT!
One wonders they are where they are because their past decisions might have been wrong...10 yrs from now..the decision he makes today will make him wonder the same.
Where ever you will stand in 5 yrs from now... u ll still keep looking for what u searching now. We are trapped that is true...but not by the social norms or ethics...we are just prisoner or our own thoughts....and we will be! You just got to control your mind..dont let it control you!"

She goes on to say that life is like a mirage...you always see things you want to see out there, standing here; but the moment you walk up to it to get it, you realise that, that never existed and just isn't there! So you start searching for something new and again you might see it, not realising that it could have the same consequence !

Taking the reins ....

With all the time suddenly at my disposal, I had decided to spend some time with my family, well with my brother and sister! Though I had gone with the intention of staying for a few days only, I ended up staying for nearly 2 weeks! And it was a welcome break! I enjoyed being a recluse, with nothing to worry about and not being answerable to anyone! The daylight time was mine and only mine and the evenings was filled with fun, games and our all time favourite "philosophical discussions"!

The time-off gave me important insights into my life! I questioned things that I had dared not look back at for the fear of the outcome!

For the first time since my marriage had I stayed away from home for so long and suprisingly I didnt miss my life back home, not once! I was completely at peace....
And now that I have screened my past and know the mistakes I made, I am still not sure what to do about them! Our actions can never be un-done! So, I will have to reap the consequences of my actions....or can I still take a stand and change things and get it back on track....on MY track... ?
Do I move with the flow of life and get dragged on where it has to take me, or do I take control of the reins and steer my life to a direction that I want.....?

Confusions and more confusions....

Love is...

I just came across one of the most beautiful definitions of love today....

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.” - Bible

Young love.....

Being among the young people made me question few things and I am not sure if I have the answers to them yet!
Their life without any responsibility as of day seemed much better than a full fledged adult life! It surprised me to see their carefree attitude and their big dreams.... !! I wondered if they ever thought of how to achieve those big dreams... It seemed like the dreams were going to be a reality without the effort of trying to make them come true! I don't know whether to be cynical or to admire their blind belief!

Young boys and girls claiming to be in serious relationship, had planned out their love, marriage, job, house...and not just any house...but big, luxurious with good locality...... and also baby !!

I stopped myself every now and then, from telling them to get a reality check!!

I wondered if what they felt now as love, would remain as love in the next 5 or 10 years ! And so I put that question to my sister, who, by the way, in spite of being 9 years younger to me, speaks the language of some wise soul most of the time! And she said that of course love is never ever lasting! What it is today will not be what it is.....even 5 years down the line of marriage ! So she says, that once you get bored of your spouse....have a baby !! That automatically shifts your focus of boring relationship and brings about new challenges ! For the next 10 or 15 years, you remain busy with the life of the child and when the child has grown big enough to step into the big big world, and does not need your support....you go back to your spouse to make up for the lost time!!

Now this definitely got me thinking....
And indirectly it means that most marriages wouldn't last long if you didn't have a baby to bind you to it!

So....do I now need a baby to get me bound?

Letting go.....

How difficult is it to let go of people in your life, who meant so much to you? People with whom you shared the best moments and some worst!
In relationships, there comes a time when everything falls apart! everything little thing that you did to make it special earlier.... now feels like a chore! It takes such an effort to make the slightest commitment of meager things like seeing each other, or eating together....or just being with each other ! Why?

It was the same person whom you thought you needed the most in life and everything else would be meaningless without that person! Life revolved around him/her and nothing else seemed to matter ! To hoots with the world !

So why suddenly, its the world that starts to matter more than what you considered the most important?

Can we really fall OUT of love as easily as we fall IN love??

And if one of them feels out of love, then how does the other take it and accept it? How easy or difficult is it to let go of the person who means the world to you, but you don't mean anything..... ?

Mistrust and doubtfulness...

Why is it that at times, whatever we do or say is perceived in an absolutely wrong manner....everytime! Eveything that we do and say is doubted? As much as we try to prove otherwise, try and do it right...it is never right !!!

Sometimes in life, when we want something real bad...because it becomes precious and important to us more than anything else in the world, even though it could be the most futile and worthless thing for the world, do we go all way...degrade ourself to the hilt, lose on all our self respect to attain it?

And would it be worse if instead of something it was someone ?

Things dont have a mind or a heart....but people do! So why does suddenly everything change and they refuse to look at it from our point of view?

Is "understanding" a too complicated quality to ask for in any form of relationship?

If we were to just have a bad day, bad week, bad month for too many reasons and circumstances, do we lose the right to feel the way we do? Do we always have to put up a brave front with a smiling face, saying that I am all happy and gay !!??

Is it so selfish to say that ... I am angry...I am upset...I am miserable....and I just want you to love me, understand my turmoil and make me feel alright...make me feel that life is worth living because you are there next to me.....

Worthlessness....

Yesterday, for the nth time over the last few weeks, I felt my life came to a standstill! I was sitting at the airport lounge waiting to take my flight to "escape land" for a while....

And I couldnt help but notice that everybody walking around seemed to have a purpose! Some were going to meet long lost family relatives, some parents going to be with their children, while some on their honeymoon-romantic rendezvous....but the ones that hit me the most were the people from the corporate world, carrying their laptops scurrying from one end to the other after a long day of meetings and preparing for the next location...or going back to family !! I was one of them a while back....

All this and so much more...but I was there not knowing why I was there or why I was going anywhere, for what ?? I had all the time in the world to just sit and stare at them and be lost in my own world of thoughts and events of the last 2 days !

And all I could think was....how did I manage to lose it all in a blow ???

Thriving on Memories...

How often do we move on in life tucking our painful memories away, remembering the beautiful moments...and reminiscing about our past ?
I bet all of us do that! Memories are an essential part of who we are and what we are!
But I think the most difficult of all memories to get over is of our love and relationships! Its said that nobody ever forgets the first love! But is it just the first love?
When we fall in love gain, does it it mean that it had lesser significance in our life? Did it mean less to us? Or was the pain of parting less than the first time?
I think love at any time of our life, is beautiful and equally painful ! Age and experience cannot prepare one to deal in withholding feelings or in dealing with heartbreaks!

Heart break always feels like the end of world!

And I guess it is worst when it is forced on you by the people or the circumstances around you!
And I fail to understand, why do we let people or circumstance decide our fate and destiny and the destiny of love? Isnt it better to get burnt after putting your hand in the fire rather than hold yourself becasue you have been told that fire is hot and that you might get burnt!
But...isnt there also the possibility that you just might come out of it unscathed....and maybe that was the most beautiful experience in your life ?

Is there something called .....PERFECT?

All of us since our childhood days, dream of a perfect life when you grow up! A perfect education, a perfect set of parents, a perfect love story, a perfect job, a perfect family with kids...and the list goes on!
But does life really turn out to be as perfect as we imagine? Or IS life as perfect as we think it is?
So, what is perfect? I would say things are perfect when it is just the way we want it to be, irrespective of whether it is the right way or wrong way!
One perspective of life being perfect is....that you believe everything is perfect, becasue you think everything is the way you want it to be...too blind to notice that its isnt fitting in anywhere in your life! And the other perpective being....living with the imperfect life, but living it perfectly becasue thats what you want !
Personally, I would choose to live the latter perfect life and be happy with my imperfections!

But what happens to the person who just cant accept that things arent always perfect and are not always what you wanted it to be?

My husband and I were considered to be the perfect couple among our friends and family! A Love Story that many would dream of coming true! A boy - girl meet, fall in love, marry against all the traditions and family members...and there on live as a happily ever after !
And all this while I believed in it too! Taking on every challenge and pushing it down under the carpet so that we remained the ever perfect couple with an ever perfect marriage!

But I guess, perfections never last long !

Someone said... "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

No turnbacks....

I have been away from writting anything here, becasue I just didnt know what else to write. I had become so void of all emotions, pain, hurt...everything! I had the worst time of my life in the last 10 days ! During my times of confusions, I did horrible things and hurt all my friends and the people whom I loved or cared for in one way or the other! I betrayed the trust of my friends in the most uncompromising places, and I just didnt realise what I was doing!
I was so full of hatred and bitterness towards everyone! I was bitter towards my husband because he cant understand that I am over all this! I am over the love and marriage and commitment!!! I was bitter towards to my friend who was supporting my husband to do all the unwanted things, just to get back at me! I was bitter towards my best friend becasue she didnt want to go out with me anymore, becasue her husband told her not to !!! And above all I was bitter to the most loved person because I feel I have been cheated, played around with and hurt like never before ! I could take a dagger into my chest, but not the duplicity !!

And now, I am left to swallow all the hatred from everyone because of the crime I committed !

Was it worth it ? I would say ....yes !! Now I see the world in a new and different way! All the frustrations that were penting up has been let loose! Now I want to get back to doing what I want to do, and not what I am supposed to do! I dont want to compromise on anything anymore because I am expected to..... because I am a woman in Indian soceity and a wife!!

I want to live as an individual ! as a free entity without any ropes to bind me down!

A big step...

Finally I took the huge leap today and quit my job!
I was longing for this day for so long, but now that I have done it, I dont feel any huge accomplishment. I am filled with more morose! I feel I have failed yet again...but this time in my professional life...for the first time ever.
I was always proud of myself having been an excellent worker, excellent at whatever I undertake and make my Boss also always feel the same way! But over the last 2 weeks, I have failed miserably, screwing up on every little detail, that otherwise came so naturally to me!
So does that mean that I am a complete loser?!!
I dont know what I am going to do next....hunt for a new job for sure and this time making a choice that I am completely satisfied with in every way! Then...travel around I guess.
Now that I have all the tme in the world, I cant think of a place to go. I cant think of any friends that I would like to go and visit and catch up on! And those with whom I would like to spend some time are either not available at the moment or are too wrapped up in their little problems in which I dont want to intrude....

Lets see what destiny has in store for me...

Intricacies of Relationships...

Till today, I am still confused about relationships and its' nuances in life!
Why do we need relationships? Why are they always so complicated? Even a simple relationship of being a colleague, room mate, car pool buddy has so much of complications! How do we then handle the bigger ones like that with our parents, friends, partner/lover, spouse, children, relatives..?

Do we have problems because we have expectations out of every one in our life? I think that is pretty much the mother of all problems! So if I agree that that is the cause, then can I stop my expectations?
I did try to curb few expectations out of people who matter because I thought they should have the freedom to be and act the way they want without being bound by any sort of expectation! But I realized that at times, even if YOU want to let go of the expectations, people around you don't let it happen! They will coax you to coax your relations to do what you want! confusing.. ? Trust me...it so f*** is !

Is there anyway that I can free myself from all these confusions?
The only way I think one can do that is when you don't have any ties with anyone and don't love anyone in your life!

A Change...

Life is all about change! and you have to confront it headon! you gotta let it go ! - L word.

I have been wanting to talk about this for quite some time now, and Ithink its time that I introduce youto the world of L Word! This is a series on lesbianism that has been aired in US and UK i think.
There is so much to learn from this series! and its not just about being lebian! its about relationship, love, hatered, realisations, confusions, mistakes, affairs, breakups and amazing sex of course!

During this time of my self searching, I have taken so much from this series! And i can keep quoting hundred and one things out of it and still not get tired of it.

At times, I did wonder, if life would be easier without Men !

I am scared...

For the first time in my 30 years of life have I stopped back to think if I should really do what I want or give in to the peer male ego pressure ! Nothing or no one had ever stood as hindrance to my decisions...ever, so I dont understand why I am letting it happen to me now? Why am I running around telling people, who I thought understood me, that I am scared....that I need help...that I need the support?
I stumbled upon the same question by someone today on TV when the person said that " I am scared and afraid of the way I feel"...... and i fell in love with the answer.
The answer given was -
The more I am afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it. I can lead a protected life, hiding away from this crazy world, or I can take on the things that scare me the most. The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it. The more worth doing it...must be the reason to do it!

WOW !

Despair.....

When I had started this blog, I had thought to myself that probably I will be able to get some answers...maybe get a direction, my priorities !
But....nothing ! maybe 10 days is too early to expect anything...but I am starting to lose all hope!

I am not able to stand up to the expectations, and no body is able to stand up to mine!
And I dont want to be answerable to anyone, anymore!
I wonder now, am I asking for too much?

What do I do?
What choices do I make?
What do I do if I cant make those thoughts go away from my mind....?
What can I do if I miss.....?
How do I stop myself from thinking that nothing else matters at the moment than what I want!
How do I stop feeling so helpless?
Why cant I just give in to the demands of the world?
Why is it so tough?
Who do I ask for help ? The Divine Power... or the Universe?


Its never ending........................................

Dirty Secrets...

During the free time explorations of the web world, I came across this site which listed out people's secrets and confessions... I don't know how it can be secret, but yes, it sure is anonymous !
When I started reading them, I got absolutely glued to it! It felt better to know that maybe my crime isn't the most heinous, as I may think! The world out there....is much worse than what we can imagine!
I also understood today how it feels to confess....to let oneself loose.... without the fear of the consequences, without being mortified of the probable judgments...to just let one's inner self flow! And it definitely feels better. I realized that at times even though we may know the truth our self and accept it, it does help to just lay it out in the open!

But on the same lines, I would like to question something! And I have been asking everyone lately about this! How do you define what is wrong and right, what is good and bad? What is morality?

Are the social guidelines to be followed or the religious? Neither of them has ever made sense to me and so have never bothered to adhere to them!

Does that make me morally corrupt?

Or Will it make me a bad person if I want to break all rules of the world, go against all expectations and just do what I want..... ?

Can we be Fearless ? or BRAVEHEART?

Last night, when I was watching the movie Braveheart (by Mel Gibson) again after years, I realized that there was so much to the movie and its dialogues than what I had understood when I had first seen it.

I saw the passion in the men to fight for what was theirs! Killing brutally and mercilessly...and more so with a hatred so fierce... !! Each blow came with every ounce of energy left in the body, the will never withering till the last kill!

Nothing more mattered to them at that moment than the FREEDOM !

Freedom comes with a price! The warriors paid with the lives of so many men to get it!

Does the King/Leader ever feel the guilt for achieving something at the cost of so many lives, families, children, homes? Or do we say all is fair in war...and Love?

In today's time, do any of us have that vicious wildness to go for what we want? To just DO IT? Do we have that passion in our hearts to just WIN it? Or are we tied down too much with our social and moral obligations? Do we ever have the liberty to live as an individual and act as an individual?

As a child, we have our parents to act for, then partner/spouse, and then our children!

An excellent excerpt from the movie -

(When William Wallace addresses the army, which was retreating, before the war against the English)

WW - You have come to fight as free men, and free men you are. What would you do without freedom?

Will you fight?

Men - Fight Against that (the English Army)? No, we will run; and we will live.

WW - Aye, fight and you may die. Run and you'll live -- at least a while.

And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance....to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... our FREEDOM!

Is it in the Air ?

My job sucks !! That's the expression i have heard too many times lately from most of my friends!
And I am in the same boat too! I really feel like putting in the papers and walking out right this minute!! What a relief that would be, personally !!! Economically...I am sure it would be a different story!
But when I try and really calculate things...it actually aint that tough a thing to do, specially if there is another income coming in! It just would be a matter of few changes and cut downs for a while...right ! No eating outs...no movies...no frivolous shopping !!
The question that haunts me is...then what ?? Sit at home and do nothing?!
I haven't done that in the last 25 years at least....since school days! One gets so used to the busy way of life that a life with no work makes you even more frustrated !

I am being continuously counseled these days on the pros and cons of it...

Let me list out the pros first....

1. I get away from this horrible looking little office which has no air, water, AC, clean washrooms....etc
2. I dont have to wake up everyday with a heavy heart fearing if its going to be my last day..
3. I dont have to feel guilty everytime I ask for a leave.... (coz I dont know how many I am eligible for, no HR policies here!)
4. I dont have to do the whole team's work and act like their assistant, and still ridiculed without any fault
   
5. I dont have to work on any project/idea with my whole heart and then see its accolades being reaped by someone else...
6. I can be at home and catch up on my reading, movies, cooking etc

The cons....

1. no paycheck to cover expenses
2. no certainty on when you get your next job
3. Uncertainty if you will get a similar position with similar pay in the next offer....
4. a gap on CV

Thats pretty much it !

Overall I think all I need is a new job or a long leave !!
And I am not able to get either at this point.....

No Man's Land........except mine....

While driving down to work today I noticed that the roads were absolutely empty! No traffic...not many people walking around....
There was a particular stretch of nearly 5 kms where there was no other living being, besides me (which is otherwise quite a busy road) ! And it gave me a kind of peace...it was great to drive all alone on that road...the way I wanted...slow...fast...very fast ! and sing along with my favourite songs on my player....it felt good !!

That's what got me thinking.....what would it be like to have a land ( and i don't mean a piece of residential land...but more like a small city) that was.....ONLY MINE !!
Nobody else could be there without my permission!
Today for a change i am envious of those billionaires who can afford to buy a private island !! WOW!

Imagine....just taking off to this island when you want to get away from the daily routine, from all the chaos, from the cranky and complaining people, from the never-satisfied Boss....
Being on your own...doing what you want...imagine not having to explain to anyone why you just want to oversleep....not have breakfast...just laze...and sip on margaritas...or beer..or whatever catches your fancy from the hour U want !! Not having to explain to anyone why you don't want to talk....or why you are just staring blankly at nothing !

That's what I would like to call FREEDOM - On the eve of Independence Day....

The flight....

Today i feel like the bird who has grown new wings....and wants to fly out of her nest! But is not sure if she should...if its OK to spread the wings and take that flight !! If she will find her way back to her nest? What if she falls? Will she be able to fly again? What if she hits the ground too hard and if its too late by then... ? Will she have the wings to fly ever ?

But is the fear going to hold her back? Hold her back from feeling that cold air on her face when she dashes higher into the deeper blues of the sky ?? hold her back from the enjoying the moment of ultimate freedom ?? hold her back from hopping from one land to the other without any boundaries....

One of my favorite quotes in life goes something like this.... Being brave does not necessarily mean being fearless, but it means going forward in spite of the fears !!

can she be brave enough to take that flight??


I am also reminded of the song, which is one of my favorites...

"Panchhi nadiyaan pawan ke jhonke, koi sarhad na inhe roke....
Sarhad insaanon ke liye hai
Socho tum aur maine kya paaya ......Insaan hoke...... "

Lyrics by - Javed Akhtar.....

The fear of losing...

Till date I have been quite unaware of how it feels to lose something precious or someone precious and important! Maybe I have never loved anything that much to have felt its loss...and have never lost anyone I love deeply! But lately I have this great fear of losing something that has become so precious to me....And its not just a lame fear! its the undefiable truth....the truth that is evident...and that is looking at me staright in the eye, with a smirk and saying..."Stop it if you can!" ...

A very close friend of mine, in an emotional moment said... "why does life sometimes takes everything or the one who could be everything ?" It sounded so true to me at that moment....but to that I had reqplied that except for life-death, life also gives us a choice...and whether we choose to or not...is entirely in our hands !

But I realised its the choices that are tough...and the inability to fight the inevitable like life-death...is so frustrating! At times i just feel it slipping through my fingers, and I know that I cant hold onto it!

"Is it OK to be career orinted?"

The first answer that would come to the mind of anyone answering that question would be "of course", "why not?" !
now let me re-structure that question! " is it OK to be career orinted when you are 30, are married, contemplating whether to have a baby or not... to the extent that you might have to relocate for better opportunities....and the fact that you are a woman?"
I am not sure how many responses will remian what it was! Of late, I have seen the trend where couples are staying apart for the sake of a job, career move etc! and its mostly the man moving away becasue the wife has to stick to the place and look after the house and kids and parents and stuff! And its absolutely OK! In fact, why not if he is getting something better even if it means to be away from home!
Not that I am a die hard feminist...but are we ready for the scene being altered ? Can we accept the change in the picture where the man stays back and lets the woman follow her aspirations and dreams? For most men, I am sure its a "No", though not many will admit.
These days this arrangement is not unheard of! I have read about many women who have taken a stand to pursue their career and they are doing it!
My confusion here is...what is the price one pays to go ahead to live your dream? Is it fair on the partner/spouse? Is it OK to be self oriented and go out and DO IT ?
One school of thought could say...when does it end? or where does it end? aspirations & dreams keep increasing with every step of the ladder you climb ! When do you stop?
I have a feeling that there comes a time, when your priorities change and the shift in thought brings about the change in the hunger for more! I think there comes a time, when you say... "Enough, now I want to enjoy what I have earned... !"

But what if it takes 10 or 15 years for that shift?

The state of mind...

Now that i have started with my blog and i have accepted the fact that i AM looking for a new beginning, i think it is also fair that i sort of pen down whats happening behind the scene !
it is the state of "confusion" that has bogged me down completely! and the confusion comes from all angles! it is about my career, my marriage, a baby, my priorities, my love, my passion, my desires....
At 30, i feel i should have, by now, known what i wanted out of life...and in life! but i am surprised and it irritates me that i am not yet ready to forgo my freedom, independence and remain tied to the little rituals of life like making a baby, handling and keeping a home together, live upto the expectations of husband, in-laws, friends... !! isnt that odd?
I question myself if i made the right choice getting married at 24, knowing the free spirit that i was and loved to be? why did i have to? it was not forced onto me! we fought all odds to get married then ! at that time i thought i found the right man, who would do anything to keep me happy and i thought i would never find another man like that! and he was ready to accept me the way i was! what more could i have asked for...right? and somewhere i had read that you should not marry the man whom you love, but marry the man who loves you! and thats what i did !! but now i am not so sure....not sure if i made the right decision back then, if that was what i really wanted!
i know i am one of the lucky women who has a great husband who really loves and respects me, does everything an ideal husband is supposed to do! i dont think a "normal" woman would want anything more out of this relationship and marriage! so, why then am I not happy with this ideal husband? why do i want more and more...and more for myself !

My first day at blogging

Lets see where to start! okie...I got prompted to start a blog by a very close friend-mentor. He said it will help me get my answers and realise and see what i cant see yet ! So...I thought why not give it a shot! and anyway I have too many things inside my head at this point so i think this will help me put down all the gibberish stuff in a proper way !

so, i call my blog "a new beginning" becasue i hope thats what i can achieve ! or maybe thats what i want to achieve! and my new begining starts with my re-using my maiden name or rather initial that i had let go off 6 years back ! i think i let go off my identity then! it feels good to have it back ! it was of course my choice then to take on my husbands name...and i did want to hold on to my maiden name and just add the married name! but the idea didnt go down very well with K (lets call my husband K here) ! for Peace's sake and to show how accomodating and comprimising i was...i agreed to his choice and let go off my maiden name !! now i look back and wonder what was i trying to prove?

so the question that i have at the moment is...is it bad to hold on to one's identity ? why does a marriage expect one to let go off a name that you have grown up with? why does it expect to take on a new name and a new identity ? does that mean we need to forget our "self" and completely give in to teh new life?
why do we let go off things so easily that might mean a lot to us? might be very precious to us?