Trashed !

I cannot fathom how one day one is on top of the world, and in a moment everything comes crashing down! We have head stories of it, seen it in movies, read about it in papers but somehow never braced ourselves for it! 

And what's so stupefying is the fact that I am responsible for all of it .. I .. ME .. MYSELF! And now I wonder how could I be such a fool ! How could I have not seen it coming? I cant even share it with anyone anymore because now when I do, people just stare at me with a look that says ... SERIOUSLY? 

What was my mistake? I trusted people! I trusted their words! And let my guards down.... again! After my last struggle with faith in people, I had managed to walk back into the world, let myself get flown with the wind and let time take its course. What I had not counted for was the chance of having being knocked down again if I let my guards down. But I did ... and now I have no one or nothing to blame it on!

Why do I carry this death wish with me all the time? Why do I let myself get trashed again and again? Will I ever learn? 
I am so tired of it all now! I just wish there was a way to end it all! At least I would not have to go through it so many times ! I just cant do it anymore!

I Hate You, Like I Love You

It’s been long since I contributed to this page. It’s not that I did not have any contemplations, but I wasn’t sure if I could discuss most of them in this forum. Anyway, I do have this thought that came to me this morning and I would want to lay it out … open for discussion!

I have not yet been able to really DEFINE or UNDERSTAND love! I don’t think there’s anything more complex to it… Or is it very simple but we just don’t get the hang of it because of our entwined minds!

So my confusion today is if we can hate someone as much as we love them?
They are 2 extreme emotions and I couldn’t think that they could co-exist, but that is exactly how I am feeling right now! Let’s say you are so overwhelmingly in love with someone. The kind of love where you enjoy every moment of being together, sharing the raucous laughs, the whining of job, devouring food like pigs and many such nasty happiness !

But there comes a day or time, when he or she does something and within that heart, where love supposedly resides, you feel a rage building up. And that anger which leads to hurt, gets so overpowering that it kind of envelops all the love! But you still do love the person! You would want to be together but cannot take repeated episodes of the hurt and anger! You are ready to forgive and forget all the episodes that has happened to tear your heart, but then you get tossed back into that area! Then what?

Do you love and hate the person at the same time?  And what does he/she on the other side feel or think? I know they have said that they still love you! But my next question comes, why can’t I see or feel that love then? Can someone really repeatedly hurt you so much?

And I guess this is how the love then starts diminishing and the NOTHINGNESS comes in its place where nothing matters anymore! Whether they love or hate…just couldn’t care less!

YOU

So far all the other times that I had sat down to write, was when I was feeling miserable or totally struck down! But today is one of the days when I am not really feeling any of those!

After so many years of life on earth... and must I say... what a life so far....I still feel... incomplete...lost ?!

I had given up on love after so many heart breaks and after crushing one too many too!

But somewhere deep down I realized I hadn’t really! I still went back to finding it after it tore me apart, broke me down and crushed me! Some were nasty, some foolish and some ridiculous! And mind you, every time I thought it was love! But this time I am hoping, it truly is! I am hoping it is the kind, that if not more, at least lasts a lifetime! 

Because in that love, I have felt complete in many ways! Some moments where I have laughed my heart out, in some where I have cried my eyes out, in some wrestled my way out! But every moment with him has only left me wanting to experience a little more!

I don’t know if it is love! I don’t know if love really exists! But if it does ... I want to experience it, truly! I want to look into those eyes and feel wanted! I want to have those arms around me and feel cared! I want to know I am loved! 

I am asked, if I will ever learn from my mistakes! If I will, maybe, stop acting from my heart and listen to the head once because so far my heart has not really given me a “happy life”! 

But I just smile and say, maybe NEVER! Because in this crazy stupid heart, I still have hope! 

SK

Hhhmmm......

Haven't I heard that "hhmmmm" quite so often lately ! :)

I am surprised that its been months since I have actually come back here to write something. I quite often did think of starting it again, but just didn't find enough to write about ! Don't know if its because nothing much was worthwhile writing, or if it was the fact that I had gotten used to taking it in stride and just move on!

It has been quite a journey, the last year and more ! Where it all started and where it is today! Had started with a thought, and today am living it! I wouldn't say it was easy, but who said it would be ! Just seems like yesterday, when I had quit a job, a home, a marriage, a LIFE ! All in the hope that I will live TODAY and be happy, no...content living it my way! I have not been disappointed so far!

New city, new job, new home, new friends and  ....
But the fears trickle in, the ability to trust and love is lost somewhere! Doubt looms over everybody I come across. Apprehensiveness sets in leaving me to wonder if this was really what I wanted? Am I ready for it?
Living alone, cooking food for yourself and eating by yourself, nobody to party out with or hang around with ! Had I really had painted a perfect picture of what life would be once I am on my own? Maybe .....

But I am ready to give it a shot and however it may turn out to be, I don't want to die regretting not having tried it !

:) 

A year bygone

So many months has passed, so decisions made, so many acted on and today life still looks as confused as it did months and months back. My mind has gone through so many turmoils, so many conflicts and having reached the point where the heart knew what it wanted, the mind and heart could not feel the peace.

This day, 7 years back, I had lunged into a knot which I had believed was forever! When that "forever" changed and when the emotions changed from love to loveless, I dont know. The void in life just does not seem to go away, the hollowness still lingers. 
The moments when I felt like vanishing away from the face of earth still tugs somewhere! Sometimes I wonder is the fight worth living for? Or is it better to just go on living the life which is more convenient, take the path that is clearer and easier? I feel at times I dont know what I am fighting for.....

Sometimes I guess the pain and the effort gets so unbearable that you wish there was someone you could just show the degree of it, share it in some way. And the pain gets more pinching when you feel you were the one to have taken the plunge, but its the world that has moved on and you are still where you started ......
and then you realize that you are all alone in this world, no matter what you have and who you have!

Outlet...

Nearly a year later since I started this blog, I feel so glad that I did ! Had it not been for Zaf...I would not have capured all my emotions of the past year ! This has been a medium for me to communicate with myself and this has been the outlet for all my pent up emotions. I have actually been able to talk my heart out here, which even if I tried, no one would understand !
But after all this time, I still don't see anything that has changed! My life is still stuck in the doldrums where i was! Yes, I definitely do have much more clarity in what I WANT now but not on HOW ! Since the day I had decided to move out, I have been looking for opportunities all around that would help me establish my most wanted career path and give me a chance to rebuild my life the way I want to....but I guess fate or destiny has other plans in store for me!
I am tired of waiting for the God's plans to unfold! I still wonder what is His best laid plans are....
Wonder if all this fight for self has been futile...maybe we just cant live our life the way we want to...maybe we are just not meant to pursue what our hearts yearn for....
If this is so....then do i give up now and go back to being what i had become?

When did it get so tough....?

Months and months of pondering, contemplating, arguing has still not given me any new answers!
Was I always this confused...? I dont know! I just cant seem to remember when I had thought so much about anything in my life till now....

Is it the guilt? Maybe! Or is it indifference? Maybe!
What has changed so much in the last 10 months? I know I re-discovered myself! But how that has helped me, I dont know yet! All I know is I dont want to live this life anymore! I dont want to live the life where every step is adorned with lies....where every day and night is loaded with mistrust! I dont want to live this loveless life!  I dont want to live this life where a finger is pointed to me at every turn!
Now, did I bring this onto myself? Again...I dont know ! I thought I was trying my best till last June, when everything around me changed! When all of a sudden I felt I was being valued for what I am, where I was brought face to face with myself ! Was my true picture of myself so messed up that I just couldnt live on being what I had turned into? 
So, now would it be easier to bring the end to my life? I wish I could do that! It would have saved everyone all the trouble and pain I am putting everyone through. But since I cant, can I just end ....this relationship? Because, I need to end either of them! I am tired of being unhappy now! I am tired of the person that I have now become! Where do I look for answers?