Months and months of pondering, contemplating, arguing has still not given me any new answers!
Was I always this confused...? I dont know! I just cant seem to remember when I had thought so much about anything in my life till now....
Is it the guilt? Maybe! Or is it indifference? Maybe!
What has changed so much in the last 10 months? I know I re-discovered myself! But how that has helped me, I dont know yet! All I know is I dont want to live this life anymore! I dont want to live the life where every step is adorned with lies....where every day and night is loaded with mistrust! I dont want to live this loveless life! I dont want to live this life where a finger is pointed to me at every turn!
Now, did I bring this onto myself? Again...I dont know ! I thought I was trying my best till last June, when everything around me changed! When all of a sudden I felt I was being valued for what I am, where I was brought face to face with myself ! Was my true picture of myself so messed up that I just couldnt live on being what I had turned into?
So, now would it be easier to bring the end to my life? I wish I could do that! It would have saved everyone all the trouble and pain I am putting everyone through. But since I cant, can I just end ....this relationship? Because, I need to end either of them! I am tired of being unhappy now! I am tired of the person that I have now become! Where do I look for answers?
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