Having listened to what my sister had to say on Happiness and wanting to be happy...and agreeing to what she said...I knew there was something missing to it!
It is true that we need to find happiness in whatever we have rather than seek more and more...and that there is no end to seeking....but....
I was watching this movie called Before Sunset (which is a sequel to Before Sunrise) and the things that they had to say throughout the movie was very interesting, and I guess very close to what I feel.
So coming back to wants and desires...is it bad to want more and to desire more?
In Hinduism and in Buddhism, our saints say that liberation from the worldly desires is the first step to Moksha. But what if I dont want Moksha? If I was not the kinds looking for a soulful life? Wouldn't life be dull and boring with nothing to drive you becasue you want nothing? If we had no goals and ambitions in life, wouldn't we be stagnant? The technical revolution that we have witnessed at this age...would it be there if the scientists and researchers did not feel the need to explore more ?
Desires is the fuel of life.... (an excerpt from the movie)
So, What is happiness ?
I would have said it is the feeling of contentment that you get after you have achieved what you set out for yourself or after getting what you wanted! But in the movie I came across a better way to say it... it said Happiness is not in the result or achievement, but in the doing !
Which, come to think of it, is exactly what it is! It doesnt matter whether you win or lose, what matters is the fact that you tried! That is contentment...and that is Happiness !!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
A Mirage....
I got an interesting insight while talking to my sister, during one of our our "philosophical" discussions!
I had asked her if it is wrong to be want to be happy and go after whatever makes you happy! And here is what she had to say.....
"I firmly believe..and that belief convinced me to the core, that the conclusion of can some one find true happiness is NO. Its as simple as that! No one can truly ever be happy. We need to choose to be happy..and out of all the quotes, this one, I undoubtedly think is by far the most truthful!
Its just the bitter bitter truth that we need to be happy within the imperfections...If you have been unhappy for too long... its not because your life isnt treating you right at the moment..its cause you let your self be unhappy...its cause you gave up somewhere...lifes gonna treat you that way all the time...
temporarily changes will brings u happiness but very soon you ll find flaws in them too...its just human nature!
When man has no real afflictions he invents some!..we are the most fucked up species! every good thing comes with a price... insanity is the price we pay for intelligence! I believe we should accept what we cant change..and change what we cant accept but beleive me some changes are just aint worth it!
again only because...u make the change seeking bliss...which doesnt last! DOESNT!
One wonders they are where they are because their past decisions might have been wrong...10 yrs from now..the decision he makes today will make him wonder the same.
Where ever you will stand in 5 yrs from now... u ll still keep looking for what u searching now. We are trapped that is true...but not by the social norms or ethics...we are just prisoner or our own thoughts....and we will be! You just got to control your mind..dont let it control you!"
She goes on to say that life is like a mirage...you always see things you want to see out there, standing here; but the moment you walk up to it to get it, you realise that, that never existed and just isn't there! So you start searching for something new and again you might see it, not realising that it could have the same consequence !
I had asked her if it is wrong to be want to be happy and go after whatever makes you happy! And here is what she had to say.....
"I firmly believe..and that belief convinced me to the core, that the conclusion of can some one find true happiness is NO. Its as simple as that! No one can truly ever be happy. We need to choose to be happy..and out of all the quotes, this one, I undoubtedly think is by far the most truthful!
Its just the bitter bitter truth that we need to be happy within the imperfections...If you have been unhappy for too long... its not because your life isnt treating you right at the moment..its cause you let your self be unhappy...its cause you gave up somewhere...lifes gonna treat you that way all the time...
temporarily changes will brings u happiness but very soon you ll find flaws in them too...its just human nature!
When man has no real afflictions he invents some!..we are the most fucked up species! every good thing comes with a price... insanity is the price we pay for intelligence! I believe we should accept what we cant change..and change what we cant accept but beleive me some changes are just aint worth it!
again only because...u make the change seeking bliss...which doesnt last! DOESNT!
One wonders they are where they are because their past decisions might have been wrong...10 yrs from now..the decision he makes today will make him wonder the same.
Where ever you will stand in 5 yrs from now... u ll still keep looking for what u searching now. We are trapped that is true...but not by the social norms or ethics...we are just prisoner or our own thoughts....and we will be! You just got to control your mind..dont let it control you!"
She goes on to say that life is like a mirage...you always see things you want to see out there, standing here; but the moment you walk up to it to get it, you realise that, that never existed and just isn't there! So you start searching for something new and again you might see it, not realising that it could have the same consequence !
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Taking the reins ....
With all the time suddenly at my disposal, I had decided to spend some time with my family, well with my brother and sister! Though I had gone with the intention of staying for a few days only, I ended up staying for nearly 2 weeks! And it was a welcome break! I enjoyed being a recluse, with nothing to worry about and not being answerable to anyone! The daylight time was mine and only mine and the evenings was filled with fun, games and our all time favourite "philosophical discussions"!
The time-off gave me important insights into my life! I questioned things that I had dared not look back at for the fear of the outcome!
For the first time since my marriage had I stayed away from home for so long and suprisingly I didnt miss my life back home, not once! I was completely at peace....
And now that I have screened my past and know the mistakes I made, I am still not sure what to do about them! Our actions can never be un-done! So, I will have to reap the consequences of my actions....or can I still take a stand and change things and get it back on track....on MY track... ?
Do I move with the flow of life and get dragged on where it has to take me, or do I take control of the reins and steer my life to a direction that I want.....?
Confusions and more confusions....
The time-off gave me important insights into my life! I questioned things that I had dared not look back at for the fear of the outcome!
For the first time since my marriage had I stayed away from home for so long and suprisingly I didnt miss my life back home, not once! I was completely at peace....
And now that I have screened my past and know the mistakes I made, I am still not sure what to do about them! Our actions can never be un-done! So, I will have to reap the consequences of my actions....or can I still take a stand and change things and get it back on track....on MY track... ?
Do I move with the flow of life and get dragged on where it has to take me, or do I take control of the reins and steer my life to a direction that I want.....?
Confusions and more confusions....
Friday, September 18, 2009
Love is...
I just came across one of the most beautiful definitions of love today....
“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.” - Bible
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Young love.....
Being among the young people made me question few things and I am not sure if I have the answers to them yet!
Their life without any responsibility as of day seemed much better than a full fledged adult life! It surprised me to see their carefree attitude and their big dreams.... !! I wondered if they ever thought of how to achieve those big dreams... It seemed like the dreams were going to be a reality without the effort of trying to make them come true! I don't know whether to be cynical or to admire their blind belief!
Young boys and girls claiming to be in serious relationship, had planned out their love, marriage, job, house...and not just any house...but big, luxurious with good locality...... and also baby !!
I stopped myself every now and then, from telling them to get a reality check!!
I wondered if what they felt now as love, would remain as love in the next 5 or 10 years ! And so I put that question to my sister, who, by the way, in spite of being 9 years younger to me, speaks the language of some wise soul most of the time! And she said that of course love is never ever lasting! What it is today will not be what it is.....even 5 years down the line of marriage ! So she says, that once you get bored of your spouse....have a baby !! That automatically shifts your focus of boring relationship and brings about new challenges ! For the next 10 or 15 years, you remain busy with the life of the child and when the child has grown big enough to step into the big big world, and does not need your support....you go back to your spouse to make up for the lost time!!
Now this definitely got me thinking....
And indirectly it means that most marriages wouldn't last long if you didn't have a baby to bind you to it!
So....do I now need a baby to get me bound?
Their life without any responsibility as of day seemed much better than a full fledged adult life! It surprised me to see their carefree attitude and their big dreams.... !! I wondered if they ever thought of how to achieve those big dreams... It seemed like the dreams were going to be a reality without the effort of trying to make them come true! I don't know whether to be cynical or to admire their blind belief!
Young boys and girls claiming to be in serious relationship, had planned out their love, marriage, job, house...and not just any house...but big, luxurious with good locality...... and also baby !!
I stopped myself every now and then, from telling them to get a reality check!!
I wondered if what they felt now as love, would remain as love in the next 5 or 10 years ! And so I put that question to my sister, who, by the way, in spite of being 9 years younger to me, speaks the language of some wise soul most of the time! And she said that of course love is never ever lasting! What it is today will not be what it is.....even 5 years down the line of marriage ! So she says, that once you get bored of your spouse....have a baby !! That automatically shifts your focus of boring relationship and brings about new challenges ! For the next 10 or 15 years, you remain busy with the life of the child and when the child has grown big enough to step into the big big world, and does not need your support....you go back to your spouse to make up for the lost time!!
Now this definitely got me thinking....
And indirectly it means that most marriages wouldn't last long if you didn't have a baby to bind you to it!
So....do I now need a baby to get me bound?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Letting go.....
How difficult is it to let go of people in your life, who meant so much to you? People with whom you shared the best moments and some worst!
In relationships, there comes a time when everything falls apart! everything little thing that you did to make it special earlier.... now feels like a chore! It takes such an effort to make the slightest commitment of meager things like seeing each other, or eating together....or just being with each other ! Why?
It was the same person whom you thought you needed the most in life and everything else would be meaningless without that person! Life revolved around him/her and nothing else seemed to matter ! To hoots with the world !
So why suddenly, its the world that starts to matter more than what you considered the most important?
Can we really fall OUT of love as easily as we fall IN love??
And if one of them feels out of love, then how does the other take it and accept it? How easy or difficult is it to let go of the person who means the world to you, but you don't mean anything..... ?
In relationships, there comes a time when everything falls apart! everything little thing that you did to make it special earlier.... now feels like a chore! It takes such an effort to make the slightest commitment of meager things like seeing each other, or eating together....or just being with each other ! Why?
It was the same person whom you thought you needed the most in life and everything else would be meaningless without that person! Life revolved around him/her and nothing else seemed to matter ! To hoots with the world !
So why suddenly, its the world that starts to matter more than what you considered the most important?
Can we really fall OUT of love as easily as we fall IN love??
And if one of them feels out of love, then how does the other take it and accept it? How easy or difficult is it to let go of the person who means the world to you, but you don't mean anything..... ?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Mistrust and doubtfulness...
Why is it that at times, whatever we do or say is perceived in an absolutely wrong manner....everytime! Eveything that we do and say is doubted? As much as we try to prove otherwise, try and do it right...it is never right !!!
Sometimes in life, when we want something real bad...because it becomes precious and important to us more than anything else in the world, even though it could be the most futile and worthless thing for the world, do we go all way...degrade ourself to the hilt, lose on all our self respect to attain it?
And would it be worse if instead of something it was someone ?
Things dont have a mind or a heart....but people do! So why does suddenly everything change and they refuse to look at it from our point of view?
Is "understanding" a too complicated quality to ask for in any form of relationship?
If we were to just have a bad day, bad week, bad month for too many reasons and circumstances, do we lose the right to feel the way we do? Do we always have to put up a brave front with a smiling face, saying that I am all happy and gay !!??
Is it so selfish to say that ... I am angry...I am upset...I am miserable....and I just want you to love me, understand my turmoil and make me feel alright...make me feel that life is worth living because you are there next to me.....
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Worthlessness....
Yesterday, for the nth time over the last few weeks, I felt my life came to a standstill! I was sitting at the airport lounge waiting to take my flight to "escape land" for a while....
And I couldnt help but notice that everybody walking around seemed to have a purpose! Some were going to meet long lost family relatives, some parents going to be with their children, while some on their honeymoon-romantic rendezvous....but the ones that hit me the most were the people from the corporate world, carrying their laptops scurrying from one end to the other after a long day of meetings and preparing for the next location...or going back to family !! I was one of them a while back....
All this and so much more...but I was there not knowing why I was there or why I was going anywhere, for what ?? I had all the time in the world to just sit and stare at them and be lost in my own world of thoughts and events of the last 2 days !
And all I could think was....how did I manage to lose it all in a blow ???
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Thriving on Memories...
How often do we move on in life tucking our painful memories away, remembering the beautiful moments...and reminiscing about our past ?
I bet all of us do that! Memories are an essential part of who we are and what we are!
But I think the most difficult of all memories to get over is of our love and relationships! Its said that nobody ever forgets the first love! But is it just the first love?
When we fall in love gain, does it it mean that it had lesser significance in our life? Did it mean less to us? Or was the pain of parting less than the first time?
I think love at any time of our life, is beautiful and equally painful ! Age and experience cannot prepare one to deal in withholding feelings or in dealing with heartbreaks!
Heart break always feels like the end of world!
And I guess it is worst when it is forced on you by the people or the circumstances around you!
And I fail to understand, why do we let people or circumstance decide our fate and destiny and the destiny of love? Isnt it better to get burnt after putting your hand in the fire rather than hold yourself becasue you have been told that fire is hot and that you might get burnt!
But...isnt there also the possibility that you just might come out of it unscathed....and maybe that was the most beautiful experience in your life ?
I bet all of us do that! Memories are an essential part of who we are and what we are!
But I think the most difficult of all memories to get over is of our love and relationships! Its said that nobody ever forgets the first love! But is it just the first love?
When we fall in love gain, does it it mean that it had lesser significance in our life? Did it mean less to us? Or was the pain of parting less than the first time?
I think love at any time of our life, is beautiful and equally painful ! Age and experience cannot prepare one to deal in withholding feelings or in dealing with heartbreaks!
Heart break always feels like the end of world!
And I guess it is worst when it is forced on you by the people or the circumstances around you!
And I fail to understand, why do we let people or circumstance decide our fate and destiny and the destiny of love? Isnt it better to get burnt after putting your hand in the fire rather than hold yourself becasue you have been told that fire is hot and that you might get burnt!
But...isnt there also the possibility that you just might come out of it unscathed....and maybe that was the most beautiful experience in your life ?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Is there something called .....PERFECT?
All of us since our childhood days, dream of a perfect life when you grow up! A perfect education, a perfect set of parents, a perfect love story, a perfect job, a perfect family with kids...and the list goes on!
But does life really turn out to be as perfect as we imagine? Or IS life as perfect as we think it is?
So, what is perfect? I would say things are perfect when it is just the way we want it to be, irrespective of whether it is the right way or wrong way!
One perspective of life being perfect is....that you believe everything is perfect, becasue you think everything is the way you want it to be...too blind to notice that its isnt fitting in anywhere in your life! And the other perpective being....living with the imperfect life, but living it perfectly becasue thats what you want !
Personally, I would choose to live the latter perfect life and be happy with my imperfections!
But what happens to the person who just cant accept that things arent always perfect and are not always what you wanted it to be?
My husband and I were considered to be the perfect couple among our friends and family! A Love Story that many would dream of coming true! A boy - girl meet, fall in love, marry against all the traditions and family members...and there on live as a happily ever after !
And all this while I believed in it too! Taking on every challenge and pushing it down under the carpet so that we remained the ever perfect couple with an ever perfect marriage!
But I guess, perfections never last long !
Someone said... "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
But does life really turn out to be as perfect as we imagine? Or IS life as perfect as we think it is?
So, what is perfect? I would say things are perfect when it is just the way we want it to be, irrespective of whether it is the right way or wrong way!
One perspective of life being perfect is....that you believe everything is perfect, becasue you think everything is the way you want it to be...too blind to notice that its isnt fitting in anywhere in your life! And the other perpective being....living with the imperfect life, but living it perfectly becasue thats what you want !
Personally, I would choose to live the latter perfect life and be happy with my imperfections!
But what happens to the person who just cant accept that things arent always perfect and are not always what you wanted it to be?
My husband and I were considered to be the perfect couple among our friends and family! A Love Story that many would dream of coming true! A boy - girl meet, fall in love, marry against all the traditions and family members...and there on live as a happily ever after !
And all this while I believed in it too! Taking on every challenge and pushing it down under the carpet so that we remained the ever perfect couple with an ever perfect marriage!
But I guess, perfections never last long !
Someone said... "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
Friday, September 4, 2009
No turnbacks....
I have been away from writting anything here, becasue I just didnt know what else to write. I had become so void of all emotions, pain, hurt...everything! I had the worst time of my life in the last 10 days ! During my times of confusions, I did horrible things and hurt all my friends and the people whom I loved or cared for in one way or the other! I betrayed the trust of my friends in the most uncompromising places, and I just didnt realise what I was doing!
I was so full of hatred and bitterness towards everyone! I was bitter towards my husband because he cant understand that I am over all this! I am over the love and marriage and commitment!!! I was bitter towards to my friend who was supporting my husband to do all the unwanted things, just to get back at me! I was bitter towards my best friend becasue she didnt want to go out with me anymore, becasue her husband told her not to !!! And above all I was bitter to the most loved person because I feel I have been cheated, played around with and hurt like never before ! I could take a dagger into my chest, but not the duplicity !!
And now, I am left to swallow all the hatred from everyone because of the crime I committed !
Was it worth it ? I would say ....yes !! Now I see the world in a new and different way! All the frustrations that were penting up has been let loose! Now I want to get back to doing what I want to do, and not what I am supposed to do! I dont want to compromise on anything anymore because I am expected to..... because I am a woman in Indian soceity and a wife!!
I want to live as an individual ! as a free entity without any ropes to bind me down!
I was so full of hatred and bitterness towards everyone! I was bitter towards my husband because he cant understand that I am over all this! I am over the love and marriage and commitment!!! I was bitter towards to my friend who was supporting my husband to do all the unwanted things, just to get back at me! I was bitter towards my best friend becasue she didnt want to go out with me anymore, becasue her husband told her not to !!! And above all I was bitter to the most loved person because I feel I have been cheated, played around with and hurt like never before ! I could take a dagger into my chest, but not the duplicity !!
And now, I am left to swallow all the hatred from everyone because of the crime I committed !
Was it worth it ? I would say ....yes !! Now I see the world in a new and different way! All the frustrations that were penting up has been let loose! Now I want to get back to doing what I want to do, and not what I am supposed to do! I dont want to compromise on anything anymore because I am expected to..... because I am a woman in Indian soceity and a wife!!
I want to live as an individual ! as a free entity without any ropes to bind me down!
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