A year bygone

So many months has passed, so decisions made, so many acted on and today life still looks as confused as it did months and months back. My mind has gone through so many turmoils, so many conflicts and having reached the point where the heart knew what it wanted, the mind and heart could not feel the peace.

This day, 7 years back, I had lunged into a knot which I had believed was forever! When that "forever" changed and when the emotions changed from love to loveless, I dont know. The void in life just does not seem to go away, the hollowness still lingers. 
The moments when I felt like vanishing away from the face of earth still tugs somewhere! Sometimes I wonder is the fight worth living for? Or is it better to just go on living the life which is more convenient, take the path that is clearer and easier? I feel at times I dont know what I am fighting for.....

Sometimes I guess the pain and the effort gets so unbearable that you wish there was someone you could just show the degree of it, share it in some way. And the pain gets more pinching when you feel you were the one to have taken the plunge, but its the world that has moved on and you are still where you started ......
and then you realize that you are all alone in this world, no matter what you have and who you have!

Outlet...

Nearly a year later since I started this blog, I feel so glad that I did ! Had it not been for Zaf...I would not have capured all my emotions of the past year ! This has been a medium for me to communicate with myself and this has been the outlet for all my pent up emotions. I have actually been able to talk my heart out here, which even if I tried, no one would understand !
But after all this time, I still don't see anything that has changed! My life is still stuck in the doldrums where i was! Yes, I definitely do have much more clarity in what I WANT now but not on HOW ! Since the day I had decided to move out, I have been looking for opportunities all around that would help me establish my most wanted career path and give me a chance to rebuild my life the way I want to....but I guess fate or destiny has other plans in store for me!
I am tired of waiting for the God's plans to unfold! I still wonder what is His best laid plans are....
Wonder if all this fight for self has been futile...maybe we just cant live our life the way we want to...maybe we are just not meant to pursue what our hearts yearn for....
If this is so....then do i give up now and go back to being what i had become?

When did it get so tough....?

Months and months of pondering, contemplating, arguing has still not given me any new answers!
Was I always this confused...? I dont know! I just cant seem to remember when I had thought so much about anything in my life till now....

Is it the guilt? Maybe! Or is it indifference? Maybe!
What has changed so much in the last 10 months? I know I re-discovered myself! But how that has helped me, I dont know yet! All I know is I dont want to live this life anymore! I dont want to live the life where every step is adorned with lies....where every day and night is loaded with mistrust! I dont want to live this loveless life!  I dont want to live this life where a finger is pointed to me at every turn!
Now, did I bring this onto myself? Again...I dont know ! I thought I was trying my best till last June, when everything around me changed! When all of a sudden I felt I was being valued for what I am, where I was brought face to face with myself ! Was my true picture of myself so messed up that I just couldnt live on being what I had turned into? 
So, now would it be easier to bring the end to my life? I wish I could do that! It would have saved everyone all the trouble and pain I am putting everyone through. But since I cant, can I just end ....this relationship? Because, I need to end either of them! I am tired of being unhappy now! I am tired of the person that I have now become! Where do I look for answers?